Hannibal for President
by TornadoWeirdo
Summary: While the monks are trying to both find more Shen Gong Wu AND get to the bottom of Raimundo's newly-acquired cardiac problems, evil is bubbling up within the land of the free. And what is this evil, taking the form of a well-meaning politician?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**I have returned with another episode, picking up right after I left off with "Mikhuyana" (but less of the **_**disturbing**_** factor this time)! Consider this as some fanfic-ey Christmas present for all y'alls.**

**And do not fear the OC whose name is Uarcay. She's the big-a** reptile person who just wants to learn about humans... and nosy dragons. She also needs to learn to pull some of her weight if she's gonna stay at the temple.**

* * *

><p>Morning had descended upon the Xiaolin Temple, slowly but surely. The sun shown in the window of the monks' resting quarters, telling them that they needed to get out of bed and start another day full of training, Shen Gong Wu collecting – everything following the status quo.<p>

A sweet aroma floated outside the kitchen and trailed down the temple hallway. It was already breakfast time, judging how everyone in the kitchen could be seen busily scrounging around.

At the table, Clay had made up a whole flapjack stack for himself – drenched in maple syrup, topped with a square of butter – and was preparing to slice-and-dice it with a large knife. Dojo was seen sitting to the right of him, writing down the day's agenda on a notepad along with other interesting things. Nearby, Kimiko was impatiently walking to and fro, arms folded against her, occasionally stopping to check on her omelet, which had been rotating around in the new microwave for far too long. Last but not least, Omi, who had bravely squeezed a whole bunch of oranges, began proudly delivering a pitcher of juice to the table.

"Here you are my friends!" he wheezed, reaching up and thwomping down the orange juice. Dojo and Clay were practically forced to take notice. "I have successfully wrung this good-morning fruit dry of its tasty, vitamin-enriched liquids!"

Clay briefly peeked above his twenty some-odd pancakes. "Much obliged there, Omi!" He tipped his brand-new hat to the bald fellow.

"And record time!" suddenly remarked Dojo. "With those juicing skills I won't have to fork over extra at the market! Heh, ya know, since we're a _little_ tight on cash for the time being."

"What is 'cash?'" inquired Uarcay quietly, whose big brown form had been sitting omnipresently at the table's far end. "Is it something you use for trade?"

At that very moment the timer went off on Kim's omelet, drawing the Fire monk back to the microwave. "It's more like a way to purchase _anything_ you want, depending how much 'cash' is on you." Kim proceeded to pull out her piping-hot meal.

"Yeah, talk to Kimiko; she knows ALL there's to know about commerce," claimed the Earth monk as he sawed his pancakes with the knife.

Omi head appeared at the table when he hopped up, drinking glasses in hand. "I am currently studying the standard commodities of worldwide business, so you may ask ME too if you like!" he told the bemarun.

"You'd better keep on studying then. If _you_ don't know, Uarcay definitely won't." Kimiko approached and plopped herself and her plate down; Uarcay in the meantime kept sitting at the far end, nary a blink from her one eye.

As they were about ready to eat breakfast as a group, the monks noticed their one missing member, their one Shoku member, drag his feet through the doorway. He almost seemed to be sleepwalking as he took his plate and picked up some leftover pancakes with closed eyes. Then he finally settled in between Omi and Uarcay and managed a yawn – which was much more drawn-out than usual.

"Where have you been?" Omi asked Raimundo on the spot. "In bed? _SLEEPING?_"

Rai rubbed his eyes and took the orange juice pitcher to pour a glass. "Agh, quit bugging me about that wouldja? I've already got enough to deal with."

"Well you _DID_ miss out on six a.m. meditation time, again," admitted Clay with his mouth full. "You been catchin' enough z's?"

"Not exactly." Rai stared at the shine in his glass before drinking from it. "...It's just I've been having this – this weird... throbbing sensation in my chest. And it's getting REALLY annoying."

Clay dug his fork into another pancake morsel. "Huh. Cantcha just shake it off and sleep with it?"

"Nuh-uh, cuz the throbbing only gets _WORSE_ at night."

"Ah geez, that's too bad," Kimiko commented, having not even so much as touched her omelet yet. Uarcay cocked her head to listen better.

"Hmm, it's your ticker ain't it?" the cowboy pondered without taking another bite. Raimundo didn't answer him, and instead focused on cutting his own pancakes.

"Can... we do something to actually HELP?" Omi speculated, outreaching his hands.

"Hey, I might have an idea," Dojo quickly replied, having been attentively listening the entire time. "Here, um, let's do a little 'Q' and 'A.'" With that he fidgeted around, took his notepad and pen, and slithered over to Raimundo's side of the table. Rai was only trying to eat his dry non-syrupy flapjacks in peace; however, the small green dragon was getting all up in his face, making him drop his silverware.

"Ah-heh-heh-hem."

Rai put a couple fingers to his forehead, his elbow on the table. "Not _now_ Dojo."

"Do you wanna get this taken care of or not?" Dojo returned. "Now then." He cleared his throat and proceeded. "Where did you say you felt the throbbing?"

After a short and suspenseful moment, the monk sighed. "Right here." He pointed to the very center of his chest, where his gold medallion happened to be.

"So it IS the heart that's the culprit... interesting." Dojo jotted down a few notes. "...And does it hurt, tighten up, errr, what?"

"No. Just feels funny."

"'Kay. Now ya know according to Master Fung's old medical books a chi-imbalanced xin may mean that a person's emotionally disturbed." The dragon then tenderly placed his tiny claws on Rai's upper arm. "Are you... emotionally disturbed?"

"Get off and leave me alone!" The Wind monk gave those green claws a hard swat and turned away.

Dojo regained his posture. "Mmm-hm." He made the sound of a checkmark on his notepad. "And you haven't been doing any of your workout routine dealios behind Fung's back?"

"I've been sitting around everywhere getting FAT. Does that answer your question?"

"Yep. Phew, all right, all I needed to hear." With a click of his pen Dojo hurriedly returned to his original table spot between Kimiko and Clay.

"So what's this about 'chi imbalances' Dojo?" Uarcay wanted to know at her one opportunity to ask.

Dojo flipped over to the bemarun, whose presence wasn't the most definite. "Oh, well the thing is your heart's supposed to be the controller of all chi and inner emotional processing. Not quite the same for dragons, or maybe you, but eh."

"Wow... really?" Kimiko horned in with a low laugh. "Sounds a bit much. If anything the heart's basically a blood-pump engine made up of meat. Eeesh."

After Kim's little bit of input, Raimundo stood right back up and pushed his entire breakfast to the middle of the table. "Great," he said, "now I just lost my appetite." And with a final huff, away he started walking.

"Raimundo wait!" exclaimed Kimiko. "I didn't mean to – " But Senhor Shoku had left the building.

"Agh... stupid stupid stupid." The Fire monk pounded her head three times, while Omi, Uarcay, and Dojo gave her puzzled looks.

* * *

><p>Breakfast had long been finished as the monks began their daily training exercises in the temple courtyard. This time, however, a small twist was being implemented into the fun. The twist was to teach Uarcay how to properly use Shen Gong Wu.<p>

A familiar cowboy had his head lowered, breathing nice and steady, while the sun beat on him from behind and cast a dark shadow on his face. Then he made an unexpected leap in the air. "Third-Arm Sash!" he shouted, his trusty blue Wu whipping out to attack. The sash formed a fist and came hurdling toward Uarcay, who had been standing straight against a brick wall with the Serpent's Tail in her hand. She attempted to block the incoming punch by holding the Tail up, but the fist continued closing in until it knocked the poor Wu out of her grasp. The Serpent's Tail went spinning into a pond of animatronic crocodiles.

Kimiko was immediately seen running over to the pond and making a face as she fished around in the water for the artifact. "Uarcay, ya gotta call out the name of the Wu, _then_ it'll activate," Clay explained once the Fire monk had brought out her catch.

"But I've already tried calling it!" the giant reptile explained back. Clay itched underneath his hat, simply perplexed. "I wasn't feeling any less tangible than when we first started!"

Kim grunted as she got up and brought the Wu over. "Maybe you just need to focus better. Here, try thinking calm, peaceful thoughts." She "peacefully" placed the Serpent's Tail into Uarcay's large brown hands. Uarcay looked downward and exhaled. "Okay." She turned to face Clay again, poised and ready.

All of a sudden, Omi shuffled onto the training grounds with an urgent message. "UARCAY, absolute focus is not simple enough to master without proper meditation! Do not listen to Kimiko!"

"_Would you CAN IT Omi?_" Kim shot. "I know what I'm talking about! Don't I? Clay, hey Clay, gimme some backup!"

"Umm," responded the slow-thinking fellow. "...Yeah! You're fit as a fiddle far as I can see." He gave a half-hearted thumbs-up to her.

"Thanks pal – I knew I could count on you."

"Let's get this show on the road then," the Earth Dragon resumed, as Kimiko reverted to business as well. "Miss bemarun ma'am, this time let's have ya come after ME, no holds barred. Take up that Fist o' Tebigong there." He pointed to scattered Shen Gong Wu on the nearby wooden table.

"What, this?" Uarcay reached over and held up a bronze metal fist thing.

"Yeah! Call it out and then try to punch me to Timbuktu!"

"...But why?"

"Just do it!"

"Whoa-whoa, OKAY, are you only encouraging her 'cause you're _SURE_ you're not gonna get hurt, or 'cause you actually WANT a big blow to the gut?" Clay glanced to the right. Raimundo was sitting on a bench next to a temple wall, "supervising" the whole event.

"I was wondering the _same_ thing," Omi thought aloud, standing not too far from Rai. "It appears our friend Clay may very well be sue-cidal."

"_Suicidal_," muttered Raimundo, "and _no_, he isn't." The Shoku monk stretched his arms and put his hands behind his head. "You've got some real messed-up faculties dude."

"...I do not even wish to know what that means."

In an instant Clay yelled for the bald and naïve Dragon of Water. "OMI! Mind showin' Uarcay how to throw a punch?"

"OOH, yes! Coming!" And with that Omi ran off and left Raimundo to his own devices. So Rai sat up again and took out his device – his cell phone, to be more precise – which he started fiddling around with. But it didn't take long for him to let out a sigh full of boredom.

Soon Dojo slithered along the ground to join up and watch the bizarre training exercise that was taking place. "Looks like _they're_ having fun." He peered up at Raimundo on the bench. "...You doin' okay buddy?"

"Yeah sure." The kid didn't even bother to give the dragon an acknowledging glimpse, but he was also aiming to ignore the racket in the background.

"Ahh come off it; I saw you never finished your breakfast," Dojo refuted. "Which, a certain someone had to do instead." He heaved and thumped his narrow chest once or twice. "Care to explain yourself mister?"

"There's nothing to explain... 'cept the fact I can't really work off any calories."

Suddenly the two heard a huge THUNK from the Fist of Tebigong, followed by an "Ow" from the Dragon of Earth.

"Pffft, forget those calories!" Dodge yawped, throwing his arms. "Take a look at _me_! I've been chowing down six times my own weight but I'm still thin as a rail! ...I think."

"Maybe it's because you're like a _snake_?" proposed Rai, sarcastic and unmoved.

"...You might have a point there. Yeah, actually that's pretty likely."

Then, swiftly and unanticipatedly, a wake-up call struck the mystical serpent as his ear-crests began to twitch like mad.

"Uh-oh... UH-OH... seems a Shen Gong Wu just activated," he reluctantly announced.

"Did you say Shen Gong Wu?" Omi turned all attention away from Uarcay at the training grounds as she was backing up from Kimiko and falling into the crocodile pond.

"Y-y-yes..." Dojo tried cupping his hands over his crests to make the twitching stop. "Get the Scroll – get it quick!"

"Okie doke!" Kim swept the Ancient Scroll of the Shen Gong Wu right off the wood table and rushed it over to Dojo and Rai. Uarcay meanwhile was stuck in the pond, attempting to get out.

"Here we go fellas." The Fire monk opened up the Scroll for everyone to see – especially a most enraptured Omi.

Dojo squinted his eyes at the picture of the Wu. "Oh, the Lamp of Xingwei. Its light increases a warrior's aggression levels, _tenfold_." After a bright red light flashed in the moving picture, two men lunged fiercely at each other with swords, making everything go black.

"Whoa," was Raimundo's only comment.

"Now I remember there used to be a huge, melting glacier near its hiding spot." Dojo squinted harder to relapse his memory. "And I _believe_ the glacier is what turned into 'Lake Chicago,' if I did my research right."

"So could it be IN Chicago? You think the city was built anywhere nearby?" Kimiko asked with a tinge of excitement. Clay was just now walking up beside her with gritted teeth and a hand on his aching head.

"I dunno... it could be! Let's go check it out." The little green dragon then grunted and transformed into a big green dragon.

"Sounds good to me!" declared Raimundo, automatically putting his phone away and hopping off the bench.

"Wait... _YOU_ are going?" Omi questioned out of doubt.

"Stop young monk," intervened a wise old voice. Everybody turned to see Master Fung coming upon them unexpectedly. "You may not hunt for Shen Gong Wu in your state; it imposes too much risk."

"But it's Chicago!" Rai argued. "I've always wanted to go there!"

"Why, cuz it's the _Windy _City?" inquired Dojo in a snarky tone.

To help clarify things, Raimundo started counting on his fingers. "How about the _music_... and the _nightlife_..." He shrugged with enough exaggeration to give the gecko a clue.

"No," denied Master Fung. "I've known you long enough to recognize that you will charge into a fight the moment you get the opportunity. Stay here; I'd like us to have some further discussion about this complication with your heart."

The other monks exchanged cautionary glances, including the cowboy whose head was still in pain.

"Clay, I want you to stay here as well. You look as though you could use some relief of your own."

What Clay heard caught him slightly by surprise. "Oh... thanks Master Fung sir."

"This would be a good time to show Uarcay, 'the ropes,' if you will." The Master stopped speaking for a second and scanned his surroundings. "...That is, if you can manage to find her someplace."

"Fung Master, I'm here! Right... here!" panted the large brown creature as she finally trudged up. She had strings of various green aquatic plants strewn over her head and shoulders. Normally the combo of sight gags and unintentionally informal "Master" addressing would cause Raimundo to laugh; this time it didn't.

"Well what're you waiting for, hop on!" ordered Dojo impatiently. "We gotta get this Wu before the forces of evil do! Heh-heh." He'd been blathering away as Uarcay timidly climbed onto his back, with Omi and Kimiko heretofore up front.

"Our next flight: Chicago!" And off they flew, leaving a gust of wind to blow through the hair of Clay, Raimundo... but sadly not of "Fung Master."

"...Come," Fung instructed to his remaining two Xiaolin students. He gestured for them to follow as he began walking on.

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><p>Inside a mysterious unlit chamber full of books, bottles, ointments, oils, and candles, Master Fung had Clay and Rai stand off next to the entrance as he searched along the bookshelves for something.<p>

"Now where did I put 'Chao Yuanfang.' Zhubing Yuanhou Zonglun... Zonglun... Zonglun... ah yes, here we are." Finally he brought out the book he was looking for and proceeded to flip through its pages.

"Raimundo?" he began, catching the monk's ear.

"Yes Master Fung?"

"I am becoming slightly worried that your recent illness may have left some damage behind. I'm not certain, and I'm not trying to frighten you – but I would like to know what you are feeling in detail and how long you have been in this more sleepless, lethargic state."

"Umm..." Rai didn't quite know where to begin. "Gee I – I guess it started after I woke up from a fever. And did Dojo say something about my skin being all gray?" he asked of Clay.

"Yeah," the Texan nodded, "grayer than my Great Gramma Kathy's locks. Er, 'scuse me."

"Might there be anything else besides that?"

"Oh right, and the other thing, my pulse keeps acting up." Rai raised his arm, letting his sleeve slip down a little.

"I see..." the Master thought, stroking his beard. "Would you care if I tried a small technique Raimundo?"

"No, go ahead..."

With that Master Fung put his book away, walked over to the monks, shut his eyes, concentrated, and then placed a few fingers on Rai's neck, emitting a bright flash from his fingertips which apparently allowed for extra-sensitivity. Then he regressed and opened his eyes again. "Yes, quite strange indeed. Hm."

Rai slowly felt his neck where Fung's hand was, almost expecting more weird things to happen. "So... uh, what can we do about this?" he continued, taking his hand back down and looking at it.

As a rejoinder of sorts Master Fung held his arms behind himself and gazed up at the ceiling, a tense look on his face. "We could always fuss about how _unjust_ the universe is, but that clearly would not do us any good."

"...Well then, got any medicine to help Raimundo sleep, maybe?" requested Clay.

"Perhaps. But what Raimundo really needs right now is a more accurate study of his xin's disarray," explained the wise old monk as he began to pace. "Given some of my rather, ahem, 'well-aged' medical methods, I'd strongly advise you try to advance your investigation with the use of modern technology. I'm sure it would aid you a lot more."

On the spur of the moment Clay formed an idea in his noggin, and he patted Rai on the shoulder. "Hey yeah! Why don't we try a big ol' community hospital? They got tons o' sciencey stuff goin' on there."

The Brazilian went and shook off Clay's giant hand. "No, there is NO way I'm going to a hospital! Those places always keep reeking of old sick people." He had a look-see at Master Fung. "Sorry... sick people."

"And where else do you suppose you'll get the necessary equipment?" asked the Master with his eyebrow already raised.

Clay tilted his head in order to rub his chin. "Hmm. Whose somebody we can talk to who knows about tech."

The two young monks widened their eyes when it hit them. "_Spicer_," they said in unison. Rai cast his cowboy friend a glance of uncertainty.

* * *

><p><strong>Whuh-oh, Jack Spicer may very well be visited by a few unwelcome guests soon.<strong>

**...There also appears to be a subtle string of mockeries aimed toward senior citizens by the likes of Clay and Raimundo. Luckily for Raimundo, he'll be partaking in an "old geezer's" day-to-day experiences via medical problems!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Here be the next chapter, which will hopefully start clearing things up as far as the title goes.**

**For xXRandomnessXx: lol Sometimes it takes a while for these darn plots to get off the ground. Sorry if there's been some confusion.**

**For nobodyshouldknow: If the writing's kind of good, then that's good enough for me!**

**...And yes, it's true, I feel like shouting "HALLELUJAH!" whenever I get a review. Heh-heh-heh...**

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><p>Omi, Kimiko, and Uarcay were riding Dojo through the cool air which hovered above the Great Lakes. In the blink of an eye Kim could spot a bustling city below. She narrowed her eyes and pointed. "That's gotta be Chicago."<p>

Omi swept his view along the roads and all the cars that looked like scuttling ants, still unsure. "But is it truly?"

"Only one way to find out," said Dojo with a suspended claw. "Attention all passengers, we will shortly be making a coast into Not-yet-named City; the 'plane' is zeroing in on a fresh new Shen Gong Wu artifact, so please fasten your seatbelts and prepare for a change in the air pressure. Thank you!"

"No thank YOU Dojo!" Omi replied happily. "For making our journey as secure and comfortable as possible!"

Kim ceased taking in the sights for a minute. "Huh, I'd have to agree there Omi… yeah Dojo you're a good flyer – thanks!" She grinned a nice big grin.

"_OH_ I feel so loved right now!" The dragon was just about ready to tear up... but that's when he heard Uarcay start to speak.

"You guys... I don't feel well," she informed, holding onto Dojo's back with both arms and legs.

"There will be NO upchucking on the finely polished scales!"

"But the pressure's too light; my head is going to burst at any time."

The Chinese Lung thought about this a tad, yet he kept on flying forward anyway.

"DOJO, pull down!" shouted Kimiko smack-dab in his ear.

"Gggah!" He then promptly made a nosedive, and his passengers let out a split-second yell as a reaction.

* * *

><p>Back at the Xiaolin Temple, Clay and Raimundo had finished putting on their casual wear and were heading outside the temple gates, setting up to pay a visit to Jack Spicer's lair.<p>

"I still can't believe we're about to ask JACK for help," Rai grumbled as he carried the Silver Manta Ray underneath his arm.

Clay strolled alongside him. "Well partner, you weren't keen on givin' the hospital a try, even though it's much more trustworthy than it is slippery."

"...You mean slippery as a river otter?" The monk wanted to get any cowpoke sayings of Clay's out of the way.

"Yeah, right! Just like a river otter!"

"And that's what Jack would be." Raimundo respired once – _then_ he threw the Shen Gong Wu into the air. "Silver Manta Ray!"

The Wu glowed and glimmered before growing into a majestic aircraft. Although... the majestic aircraft only floated in the air a short while before its right wing blew out and its whirring slowed to a crawl. It had evidently been badly damaged by the monks' previous "little" voyage.

"Oooh..." Clay stared up at the Ray, a hand on his chin.

After a rather awkward pause, Rai got into gear. "C'mon, still looks workable enough," he settled, making a dash for the pilot's seat. "Uhhh..." came a wary sound from the Texan.

* * *

><p>A few hours later, the Manta Ray (which turned out to be a hassle to control) eventually made an uneven landing on the lawn next to Jack Spicer's mansion. The day was bright and sunny, yet there, of course, was nobody who had bothered to go outside to take in some Vitamin D for a change.<p>

On the flip side, loud techno music could be heard blasting from inside the mansion's basement. The mechanical genius himself was right in the middle of building an odd black ring which stood one foot tall and had a luminescent cobalt interior. He could vaguely make out the sound of someone barging through his door. He ignored it however and continued with his welding and massive headbanging. Unfortunately, this was no ordinary someone who had just ripped the genius's back door off its hinges. The dark silhouette of a giant wearing a ten-gallon hat soon crept upon him and took him by the shoulder.

"AAH!" screeched Jack in pure startlement. Clay forcefully turned his rolling chair around and glared down at the scrawny weakling. "Howdy Jack."

"W-what?" Jack responded as he watched Clay and Raimundo gang up on him. "What in the _hey_ are you Xiaolin Losers breaking into my evil lair for? Don't you have something better to do?"

"Nope, cuz you're gonna get us outta a pickle of ours," Clay stated, crossing his arms.

"...Come again?"

"You're gonna help Raimundo with a lil' health issue." The cowboy pointed at Rai, who made a face and put his hands in his pockets.

"Oh sure... I guess if you're honestly asking for it I _could_ help you with whatever." Jack stood up from the chair and then rubbed two of his fingers together. "At least, you know, for a fee."

To that Clay immediately grabbed the albino by the collar, carried him over, and slammed him against the wall. "WE'RE NOT _ASKIN'_ YA YOU DIRTY SNAKE!"

Raimundo stepped toward the two cautiously and took his hands _out_ of his pockets. "Whoa, uh Clay, you don't have to be so – "

"You ARE gonna help Rai, or so help _ME_ I will snap your spine into two halves and start usin' 'em as toothpicks! _GOT THAT?_"

"_Yes_, all right," Jack squeaked and nodded. "Just _please_ put me down!"

"...Okay then." The cowboy loosened his grip and let the shaken-up redhead drop to the floor.

Shivering still, Spicer thought it best to go ahead and get down to business. "N-now what is it were you saying about health issues?"

Clay's nod to his friend signaled to him that he now had the floor. "Eh... I've got this 'heart condition,' apparently," Rai briefed, "and it needs to be checked out with some scanners or monitors or whatnot." He looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. "So says _Master Fung_..."

"...Why not just try your local doctor's office?"

"That ain't gonna happen," Clay explained quickly and plainly.

Jack stared up at the two in confusion, not daring enough yet to budge. "Aaand _when_ did this all start?"

"The minute Rai lost that last Showdown."

"Wait." The evil genius had to elevate his hand to stop everything and think. "...Ooooh, that _would_ explain a lot. Ha-ha... so I won out... with the Horseshoe of Luck... because your heart decided it had enough and went kaput on you? _Ha-ha-ha-ha!_"

The Brazilian scowled unamused while the Texan's face stayed straight. "It ain't funny Jack."

"Right, of course." The weakling cleared his throat and moved on. "What, if anything, have you oh-so awesome Xiaolins tried to do to fix it so far?"

"We uh, first found out he'd been infected by somethin' nasty, and took care of _it_..."

Raimundo broke Clay's train of thought for a second to register a complaint. "YEAH, and here they were, taking my bloodstream for some JOYRIDE..."

"Rai, we went _over_ this!" the bigger monk retained. "We were at our wits' end, and you were wastin' away!"

"Whatever dude! It's still called '_trespassing!_'"

Spicer meekly brought an end to the argument so some progress could be made. "Um, I'm going to pretend like I didn't hear what I thought I heard and set up my dad's old portable electrocardiogram. ..._Capiche?_" He slowly raised a pair of white thumbs.

Clay and Rai peered at him another time over. "Yeah-yeah, capiche," Clay mumbled.

"Just as SOON as I get my land legs back." Jack Spicer hobbled up to his feet and pitifully tugged himself along as the two Xiaolin monks watched, not pitying him in the least.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the grand city of what <em>appeared<em> to be Chicago (but wasn't for certain yet), Dojo made his descent into a cozy and charming park over by the wayside. This was a wise maneuver, seeing as how the surrounding streets were completely flooded with cabs, buses, and pedestrians.

"Here's where we dismount folks! And thanks again for using Kanojo Cho Airlines!"

"O-okay... seriously now, stop it," Kim giggled in faint irritation. She and Omi went ahead and slid down the dragon's big old back.

The Chinese Lung tapped his claws on the fresh grass and waited. After waiting an entire few seconds, he turned his head over to Uarcay, who remained stuck to him. "When I say 'we dismount,' I mean we _ALL_ dismount!"

"Sorry." The bemarun rapidly lifted her weight off and got her brown feet on the ground in a clumsy fashion. That's when Dojo could shrink to his more "convenient" size.

"Now that we have been grassed," Omi began, "we can search for the Lamp of Xingwei cleanly..." he focused to the left, "and precisely..." he focused to the right. "Dojo, lead the way, if you would so kindly please."

"Hold up Omi, I think it'd be a good idea if we let Uarcay sharpen her hunting skills and find the Wu before we do," Kimiko suggested, looking up to the eight-foot bemarun. "...Oh, and keep her discreet out on the streets, if we _can_."

Uarcay returned the look to Kim after hearing this mention of "hunting skills." "...Why do you want me to find the 'Wu' relic first?"

"Well, cuz um, you're gonna be filling in for Raimundo for a while." However, the Fire monk could not explain this without squirming in discomfort.

"...Filling in? ARE YOU _SERIOUS?_" Uarcay exclaimed instantaneously. "I can't be a Xiaolin like you can!"

"Ah, not _yet_," clarified Omi, who had been a Xiaolin monk the longest, "but with enough _MEDITATION_," he peered at Kim, "AND practice, you shall become a competent warrior destined to bite evil in its blistered hindquarters!"

Both Kimiko and Uarcay gawked at what the Water warrior just uttered.

"...Can we move things along gang?" Dojo cut in. "My crests are still spazzing like a bat out of heck."

"YES, let's!" Omi charged forward into town, making the rest follow like sheep out a pin.

Traversing the busy city was quite the experience, especially for the one named Uarcay. Billboards promoting fine wine, twinkling lights at the downtown theaters, and jazzy music playing just outside the hotel lobbies caught the bemarun's attention. On the other hand, _she_ was drawing the attention of the local pedestrians, whom she could hear gasping and whispering amongst one another as her tall form passed them by. This didn't make her feel comfortable in the slightest.

Dojo was leading the pack, sniffing the paved ground (how unsanitary), until from a short distance a taxi cab could be spotted coming on him pretty rapidly. It rushed past and nearly knocked his little dragon snout clean off.

"WHOA!" He bunched up his body and snatched hold of his nose to make sure it didn't get blown away.

"_Man_ this place in a mad rush," remarked Kimiko. She reached down to hoist the poor dragon up into her arms. "C'mon Dojo, we gotta be more careful so you don't become roadkill for the pigeons to munch on."

"That's a happy thought," Dojo kidded.

Uarcay was evaluating the hasty movement of people happening all around the area, when she found herself laying eye on two giant human faces that were spewing out water, just past a few trees. "_Huh?_" They intrigued her and as such enticed her to saunter on toward them.

Omi spied the bemarun leaving the group out of the corner of his eye. "Uarcay, where are you going?" He had just revved up to go pitter-pattering after her, but before he could a voice grabbed his ear right then and there. The voice soon broke out into echoing laughter, and it most certainly did not sound like the good kind. The Water monk creased his eyebrows, gasped at the speculation of evil, and pursued the noise alternatively.

And simultaneously, Uarcay was so mesmerized by one of the towering faces lying ahead that she had forgotten exactly where her feet were walking. As she pushed onward through a big green bush she inevitably got tangled in its branches and wound up stumbling over something that felt like a hollow rock. Now flat on the grass, with nothing but her chin to have broken her fall, Uarcay heard an object join her outside the bush. She flipped her eye to it, and the first impression she got was that it appeared a scary thing, with a small reptilian face shining its white eyes and baring its fangs. Only then did she jump back out of fright and scramble to her feet.

"Uarcay, what happened to you?" Kim came by out of the blue, with Dojo draped around her neck. "You know what, actually, just for future reference, wandering off is the absolute LAST thing you wanna do in such a hectic metropolis. _And_ – " She glanced down at the ground where a Chinese-fashioned lamp lay. "Oh. What've we got here?"

"THE LAMP OF XINGWEI!" screamed Dojo, crests a-twitch. "I'd recognize that freakish dragon mask anywhere!"

When Uarcay finally chose to pick the Lamp up for presentation (and crack a smile for good measure), the gecko-dragon stopped twitching, and all his enthusiasm diminished. "Um, yeah... nice job. ...Now where's the cheese ball?"

The bemarun's smile faded. "...I can't tell you where the cheese ball is," she answered quite unknowingly, "but this water spring over here is amazing. I... really can't describe it another way."

Kim and Dojo laid their own eyes upon Crown Fountain. "I guess if you _enjoy_ being stared at and drooled on," was Dojo's honest perception of it.

Kim, however, sighed and brought out her cell phone regardless. "Yep, this is Chicago all right! Rai sure would've gotten a kick out of this, no question." She finished by snapping a quick picture of the right face.

Shaking her head in an atypical manner, Uarcay paid a bit too much mind to Kimiko's "regretful" words and, with a release of the Lamp of Xingwei, she barreled out into the fountain, letting the spout of water instantly shower her long brown body. Her reckless attempt to thoroughly wash herself attracted the attention of many in Millennium Park – not the desired result.

"UARCAY, what in sekai has gotten into you?" the Japanesian hollered.

"Get outta there you lunatic gorilla!" shouted the Chinesian dragon.

* * *

><p>While the trio had at the very least found what they were looking for, Omi was determined to ferret out the sound of the familiar voice. He rocketed past a few people and even knocked over a man's gift boxes that he'd been carrying. "<em>Hey!<em>" he yelled.

"_Forgive meee!_" apologized Omi from a distance. He kept running, panting, hearing the sound grow closer and closer, until he passed a bunch of television sets in a shopping window. Then he abruptly skidded to a halt and backtracked as he caught the voice emitting from the TVs themselves.

"So come on over to Chicago's Culture Fest, where there'll be plenty o' games and concessions galore... and where yours truly will be discussin' the benefits of ethnic unity here in the States! You want _genuine_ free unity? Then for President, you'd better vote for _Hannibal Roy!_"

"...What?" On the television screens Omi perceived a large husky man sporting a mustache and a white-colored hat and suit. He had a green parrot with a red crest sitting atop his shoulder, not unlike the clichéd appearance of a pirate.

"And remember," the man declared, "'the folks don't get nowhere without treatin' their far-flung kin _fair_!'"

"Treat fair! Treat fair!" squawked the green parrot for emphasis.

The man laughed heartily in return.

* * *

><p><strong>Omi has yet to learn of the REAL evils in American politics. <strong>

**What's the deal with Clay, treating Jack like dirt even more so than usual? And why does Jack seem to relish the thought of Raimundo's health being in danger? ...Is he jealous of the Brazilian's athleticism? Yup, he must be jealous.**

**Unsurprisingly, Rai's still upset about the whole "Fantastic Voyage" ordeal. Well hey, Arnold had it much worse in The Magic School Bus! What's there really to complain about?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**This chapter took a while to write; I think I bit off more than I could chew. (roflz)**

* * *

><p>Madly blasting over the Chicago downtown was a long green Chinese dragon and his flight crew, who altogether were making the city, yes, very windy.<p>

Omi sat right at Dojo's head, pulling his ear-crest tufts to make him go faster. "Where in Dashi's name are we headed Omi?" Dojo cried in the wind. "The Temple's supposed to be in the opposite direction!"

"We cannot be dally-dillying with the Lamp of Xingwei until we uncover this great evil!" The hard-but-bald-headed monk "hi-yahed" as he whipped the "dragon reins" more forcibly.

"Omi, what great evil are you talking about?" Kimiko dared to question, bracing herself for a possible crash.

"HANNIBAL BEAN, that is what! And we MUST find the advertised Cultural Festival, _NOW!_"

"Hold on, why would Hannibal Bean of all... beans, be doing at a festival... OF ALL PLACES?"

The addled Uarcay was once again wrapped around the undulating dragon, protectively holding the Lamp. "Wait, Hannibal is a bean?"

"He wouldn't be seen hanging anywhere near here!" reasoned Kim, not pleased with the image forming in her mind. "Fact is, he'd sooner get thrown into a pot of chili..."

"But he was NOT in bean form, he was in MAN form!"

"_Man_ form?"

"YES!"

"Wah!" Dojo had to dodge a flock of incoming geese before catching eye of a suspicious and crowded city attraction not too far below. "Hey kiddo, I can see a huge gathering down at a carnival. Is _this_ the place you're looking for?"

Omi gasped noisily at the view. "Oh, _YES_, with the many flags and people!"

"Then let's see what's all the hubbub!"

Unbeknownst to him what could be in store, Dojo spiraled on down near a warmly colorful amusement park.

* * *

><p>The Culture Fest Omi spake of was all a-buzz, overflowing with both local residents and foreign immigrants from across the globe. Happy carnival music played nonstop throughout the area, with no less than a glitzy ferris wheel gyrating in the background to complete such cheerful scenery. There were diverse national flags and monotone star-spangled banners everywhere; and small children, foreign or not, were periodically swarming the countless snack bars and game centers.<p>

The four members of the Xiaolin gang were seen creeping out from behind a hotdog stand, untrusting of such a seemingly harmless place.

"Boy, what a palooza!" Dojo reacted as he stood on his claws. "And you're saying this is all for a simple campaign huh?"

Flag after flag waved in the wind, bordering roads and crossways where small international shops stood.

"'Simple' wouldn't quite be the way to put it," said Kimiko, eyeing people as they walked past. "Cuz if Hannibal was the one who organized everything, then I'm smelling a big ugly rat."

She, Omi, and Dojo noticed Uarcay licking the air, trying to catch a whiff of something. "You are? I can't smell any rodents."

"Agh, it's an _expression_. Now stay back with the hotdogs and keep that Lamp under guard while we investigate. ...Omi, you stick with me. Dojo, make sure Uarcay doesn't wander off."

"I don't understand... _why can't I come?_" the bemarun near pleaded.

"Just, do as she says," suggested the knowledgeable dragon, climbing onto her brown shoulder.

"CAH-AAH!" Instantly the quartet heard a grating caw. Kimiko and Omi both spotted a green parrot situated on a wooden perch at a small booth. A sign propped against the bottom of the perch read: _Pet the Birdie!_

"OH, I want to pet it, I want to pet it!" shouted a small Russian boy, darting into view. And pet the parrot he did, to which the feathery beast cooed in delight as its chin feathers received a nice preening.

The Dragons of Fire and Water departed from their reptile friends and approached the star-spangled coop to get a better look. The Fire "detective" rubbed her pointed chin. "That same green bird... it's gotta be..."

"The Ying-Ying Bird!" Omi blurted. "And _Hannibal's _bird I should add!"

"So my guess is it's probably spreading maggots on the kid's hands. Hm, whaddo you think Omi?"

Many more giggling kids came by, just to innocently touch the feathers of one of the most heinous winged creatures on the planet.

"I would agree for once!" The Water Dragon pointed a finger, and clenched his teeth while doing so. "And it must be put to an end immediately!"

He ran up to the kids who happened to be the exact same size, and knocked every one of them out of the way. "Do not be petting this foul beast; you will get maggots!"

The parrot flapped its wings and crowed, "Maggots, maggots the yellow guy has! YAH!"

To that the impressionable tykes peered over and went "_Ewww!_" at Omi, who could only retaliate by going "_Huh?_"

"EVERYBODY, come one come all! Hannibal Roy's about to speak!" yelled a cheery campaign administrator from the rooftops.

Kimiko realized how strangely ecstatic the people were to hurry over and give heed to the words of this "Hannibal Roy" person. She could come to one lone conclusion. "...Wow, they've been brainwashed... they HAVE to be, to even BEGIN listening to this fraud!"

"Perhaps Hannibal is somehow utilizing the Zing Zom-Bone," postulated the Water monk, having inched back from the likes of Ying-Ying.

With a shake of her head, the Fire monk wielded her cell phone and speedily dialed a number. She waited, and waited, and _waited_. "...Come on Rai... _pick up!_"

* * *

><p>Inside the lair of the one known as Mr. Spicer, a security screen hidden in the corner of the ceiling read: INCOMING TRANSMISSION BLOCKED. Raimundo was sitting on the edge of the evil genius's worktable, drumming his fingers and waiting for Jack to boot up the just-used Holter monitor's memory. Clay had been standing close by in shadow of the room, observing Jack as he messed with the device.<p>

"...Cruddy piece of trash, won't even show anything in the databank. Now, ugh, Raimundo pal, did you make sure to take a jog around the yard with this thing?"

Rai stopped drumming fingers at the allusion to his testing. "_Yes_... the whole time you were digging in your fridge for those dumb pudding cups."

"HEY, no dissing the pudding cups!" snapped the defensive redheaded nut. He inspected the obstinate monitor closely before determinately coming to a consensus with it. "Argh... I'm gonna have to upload every single trace of data onto the computer now. Joy to the world." He flipped the other way. "BUT once I do..." Jack walked up too close to Clay and with a forced smile he said: "will we be ready to get to the _HEART_ OF THE PROBLEM?"

Clay gave him a hard slap.

"Oookay, I'll be right here then, setting up." Jack cowered away whilst rubbing his hurt [facial] cheek. "Sit tight."

* * *

><p>Returning to the bustling Culture Fest, Kimiko eventually gave up trying to call. "Rrr... this is hopeless. He won't answer." She and Omi progressed onward alongside groups of similarly curious folk.<p>

Omi peeked far ahead, seeing a hot spot. "Look, we have arrived!" He pointed to a tall star-spangled stage where a crowd was forming. Soon, a proud husky man wearing a white suit stepped up to it, and with the suspension of his hands to silence the noises of excitement, he proceeded to warmly address his audience.

"Thank you, thank you all for takin' the time out of your day to be here this fine afternoon! _May I ask if it was worth the free admission?_"

"'COURSE IT WAS!" shouted a random gal.

"Ah-hah, now that's what I like to HEAR! And you know what else we should ALL take to hearin'? The REAL, honest-to-the-core reason we are gathered here, every last one of us, each with our own geographical, and _historical_ background."

Kimiko and Omi were trying to squeeze their way into the crowd, planning to pick up on an evil plot.

"My fellow Americans, a time has come for us to consider these differences between us, whether we hail from France, or Australia, or that great China Republic, our goal as citizens of the United States is to build our OWN lives, choose our OWN ends, and pave the way for our CHILDREN'S FUTURES! Now can I get a spirited 'HOORAH?'"

"HOORAH!" screamed a few people, which sparked some awkward chortling among the rest.

"IF WE ARE TO ACCOMPLISH THESE THINGS," Hannibal Roy exclaimed in the midst of the rising hype, "we CANNOT let ourselves be hindered by these nurtured differences of ours that, wonderfully unique as they are, have been layin' down boundaries and dividin' us into frail ethnic _dividends_ which do us no good in our pursuits!"

The crowd degenerated to confused whispers, and Kim and Omi raised their suspicions by means of squinting eyes.

"Watch as we shun our brethren away, just for bein' different! Watch as we, _WE_, bare our arms to maintain the forts of ever-crippling traditions! And how does that help our cause? One clear answer is, it DON'T!" Hannibal Roy then addressed the other side of the audience. "...What was this here country meant for? It was meant to give us _freedom_. Freedom can't never happen when ideas are so fixed, when old customs say we do such-n'-such. Each person... should have the ability to think for _himself_, BEHAVE for_ himself_. Which is precisely why I plan on bandin' all these cultures together, to make a brand NEW one, one that allows us to break our chains and do what we please! You fellas wanna wear dresses? Fine by me, no one's gonna oppose! Wanna be a computer geek AND a stylin' hippie? Heh, no skin off my nose!"

Every person but Kimiko went into laughter. Even Omi discovered himself to be snickering (at his expense).

"So if you vote for ME in this year's presidential election, I will single-handedly pledge, with all the burnin' passion in my soul, that this broken Salad Bowl be reshaped, remolded, into a TRUE MELTING_ POT_!"

On came the cheering and clapping from the majority of the crowd.

"MR. ROY!" A lady who couldn't contain herself from hysteria joined him onstage, carrying an infant. "Heh-heh, I am humbled and blushin', truly I am." The huge mustachioed man took the baby in his arms, rocked it gently a while, and then gave it a wet, slobbery kiss.

Omi had to take one step back. Kimiko turned away and nearly threw up in her mouth.

* * *

><p>Retreating right over to the lair, Jack had been finishing the transferring of the data from the Holter monitor onto his computer. "Hm, hm-hmm," he hummed while fixing his eyes on the keyboard and typing potential nonsense. He briefly looked at the screen and then typed some more. But upon processing what his eyes just showed him, he had to stop everything and take a closer look at the sprawling visual information.<p>

"...I... seriously do not know what to make of this."

"Hm? What's the deal here." Clay got up from a plastic chair and joined the mechanic. Raimundo perked, yet he stayed where he was at the table.

"Look at this!" Jack exclaimed. "Bunches of spikes coming out of nowhere! And they're huge!"

Clay saw the ECG readout, and all he could say was "Holy Texas Rock."

"...Yeeeah, I don't think that's normal."

"What's not 'normal?'" Rai suddenly questioned as if posing a challenge.

"If you'd get your lazy derriere over here you'd see!" came the mechanic's reply.

"Ahh, fine." The monk finally got up and made his way to the computer.

"Eh?" Jack lifted his hands and put them forth to display the readout, forcing Raimundo to stop in his tracks. There were some healthy-looking electrical waves, a few, more bizarre ones in between, and then a whole crammed-in mess of what looked like jagged teeth. Not a pretty sight.

"Raimundo... were you feelin' up-and-up when this happened?" inquired Clay at this unholy phenomenon.

"You _were_ running laps during the time frame, weren't you?" asked Jack.

"Umm," Raimundo muttered softly, and covered his mouth in thought. "I remember getting all floaty in the head at one point... but, it didn't LAST too long."

"So you think it was nothing to whoop about, huh? Well let's check out the diagnostics!" Jack proclaimed merrily. "Heart rate: two hundred ten beats per minute... blood pressure: uhhh... pretty darn _low_."

Clay stood there absolutely still. "..._Two hundred ten beats_."

"Yep. Per minute."

Rai kept staring at the screen, but for whatever reason he merely shrugged. "So?"

Clay turned to him in disbelief at his reception. "Yer ticker _really_ ain't supposed to tick that fast."

"And let's not forget how bad the hemodynamics were."

Rai and Clay gave Jack elevated eyebrows. In response Jack clenched his mouth somewhat. "Please don't keep making me say 'blood.'"

"...'Kay, well whaddo we do to eliminate those spikes Jack?" asked the cowboy, moving things along.

Jack had taken a finger and was now tapping the tip of his chin. He focused intensely on the ECG readout.

"...You know how in those hospital shows they'll bring out these zappers that literally ZAP people back to life? I think you need one of those things pal. So with that said..." he grunted, swiveled his chair around, and swung his arms to and fro, "let's go fetch us a shock box n' a pair o' them paddles!" (This did not charm the Earth Dragon.)

"Whoa, wait a second." Rai chuckled anxiously and backed off a shade. "I am NOT being zapped by anything. Don't call me 'pal' either!"

"Huh, alrighty then, I guess it's your funeral." Spicer closed his eyes with his hands behind his head and leaned back real smooth-like. "Ahh, that'll be the day..."

Clay couldn't take anymore stubborn drivel from his friend, and thus he put his foot down. "Hey Rai, we came here to get answers and get this fixed; now see when you conked out I had to bring you back the old-fashioned way. Like so." He held up a heavy fist and slammed it on a metal cart, which brought it crashing to the floor. Jack dropped his jaw.

"...Ugh, no wonder my ribs were sore," Rai remarked, feeling at his chest. "Why'd you have to hit so hard?"

"Partner, you had NO PULSE," Clay countered, losing his patience, "and we didn't have nothin' else to use!"

"Please pipe down while I analyze the rest of the data," requested the busy boy genius from his computer. "...Thank you kindly." He clicked the mouse repeatedly, until he had at last finished scrolling through the whole interval. "Tsk." He then rose from the chair and left it. "Well I don't see any 'spikes' other than when the HR was already high – quite a coincidence there. Which can only mean putting that creepy little organ of yours under strain is now a big-time no-no!" he concluded as he doubly tapped Rai's nose, akin to a pixie fairy.

"I'll give YOU a strain." Raimundo grabbed the redhead's perpetrating arm with his own and wrenched it, causing Jack to squeal like a dying pig.

"You'd... better listen to him buddy; any more outbursts like that and you might as well be pushin' up them daisies," warned Clay, gesturing for him to consider.

Rai paused, and then rancorously released Jack, which led to Jack's hand backslapping his beautiful white face.

The boy genius removed said hand, with his see-holes temporarily shut in pain. "_WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?_"

"Just go get the zapper thing already." The irritated monk shoved his thumb in the direction of the door.

"Oh absolutely, _will do_," the mechanic consented borderline unpleasantly. He bumped about as he tried equipping himself with his heli-pack. "Gimme a second." Raimundo couldn't withdraw from putting a palm to his face. However, upon beginning to exit the lair, Spicer recognized that he longer even had a door, at least not attached to the hinges. Slowly, he pivoted his head to the monks. Clay made a hand motion which pretty much told him to vamoose.

"...Ingrates." And then Jack went through the doorway, never minding the heli-pack's extended blades scraping the top.

* * *

><p>After much declaiming about what he believed to be a essential for "freedom," Hannibal Roy came to a close with a survey of what his audience might be mulling over.<p>

"Now if y'all have any questions on how one can go 'bout overturnin' modern thought n' how we different peoples see each other, don't be too shy to ask ol' Roy."

"Yes," proceeded a bold young man, "how long would an entire cultural upheaval take, and wouldn't you need to acknowledge the minorities who can't speak English?"

"Why of course – it'd be hard work for sure to change our ways – maybe many years! I've given an absorption of languages unknown to my native tongue a spin; it's a real doozy to do though, heh-heh."

"Hey, stop!" suddenly came an agitated noise from behind a few stands; there were some clumsy banging and crashing sounds mixed in with it too.

"What in the halibut..." Hannibal placed his hand up against the sun's glare to see what was going on.

Smack-dab in the middle of the amplifying crowd, Omi was giggling softly and mumbling a few of the politician's rhythmic phrases of sorts. Kimiko looked over at him, concerned for his well-being.

"_Omster_, you're not giving into Hannibal's scam, are you?"

Omi paused what he was doing and stared at his twiddling fingers. "Uh, n-no..."

"Better not be."

"It is just... he can string words together sooooo well."

"Yeah. Right."

"Maybe he – "

Before the monk could finish that thought, he noticed the sunshine reflecting off from underneath Hannibal Roy's raised hand. There appeared to be a bronze metal piece protruding out of his sleeve. The piece looked just like part of... the Moby Morpher.

The Water Dragon dilated his eyes and gasped. "...It _IS_ him!" Snarling fiercely, he sprang up like a panther and started galloping across people's heads to get to the stage.

Kim knew what his endeavors were. "Omi. OMI, no, don't! COME BACK!" She reached out in vain to try and stop him. By then he was too far along; and while Hannibal Roy was still distracted by the rampage happening in the stands, the little guy landed hard on the wooden planks in front of him and sent a death glare his way.

"Hannibal BEAN," said he.

The much bigger guy looked down at the half-pint. "Excuse me?"

"I am here to punch your lights in... no, out! You will suffer the consequences for your gravest evildoing... whatever that may be."

Roy gave the mini-monk an alienated look.

"_Yah!_" The warrior thrusted forth to attack, but the big man took him up by the arm, effectively suspending him in midair. "Oh-hoh, well what do we have here? You're quite the feisty lil' runt, aren't you?"

He next felt the necessity to present the Xiaolin monk for the whole crowd to see. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, it would seem as though we have a tiny yellow alien on our hands! What's yer name, tiny alien?"

"It is OMI!" the great bald one spat as he squirmed to get down. "And you are not supposed to be showing your bum around town!"

Kimiko couldn't bear to watch this from the sea of people. "...Oh darn it."

With a click of his tongue Roy lowered the poor boy, almost out of pity. "You're delusional, son. And I feel for ya." His attention instantly returned to the stands when he saw something on the move. "Hey now, what's that thing doin'?"

It was Uarcay. She had three things: Dojo the ever-reluctant dragon, a slew of souvenirs in her possession, and an officer right on her short brown tail. "We've been trying to catch it, sir!" panted the officer, chasing her by the crowd's brink. "It stole a piece of pottery, the Egyptian Flag, a Native American guide to carpet-weaving, AND a Chinese lantern!"

Multiple people bravely made a human barricade with which to trap the monster. After that was accomplished, a birdcall then sounded. "CAAH!" Coming to the rescue, the heinous green parrot of Hannibal's swooped down and plucked the Lamp of Xingwei from Uarcay's hold. It rolled in the air and hissed back before fluttering to its master onstage and dropping the Shen Gong Wu into his waiting hand.

"Nice work Ying-Ying." The man cracked a smirk as the bird circled him.

"Uarcay! Dojo!" The Fire monk, and also the Water monk, did the best they could to push through the roaring multitude of strangers and meet up with the strange reptile duo.

"I was telling her time and time again she had to pay with American dollars!" Dojo complained from the brown head.

"I can return the payment later!" the bemarun figured. "Can't I?" Dojo made a head-shake which unmistakably said "no."

Hannibal Roy descended the stage, step by step, with one hand on his hefty hip, and the hateful bird on his shoulder. "...Giant dino bear, you DO realize this here Lamp is city property, dontcha?" He held up the Shen Gong Wu.

"Whuh?" Uarcay mumbled. Kim and the cheese ball took an immediate stand in front of her.

As the man strode nearer and nearer to the nervy bemarun, his concentrated eyes took notice of the peculiar artifact around her neck. "...And you got one extraordinary-lookin' Brace too. That does it..." He halted and then diverted to the left. "_SECURITY!_"

"NO WAIT, she's with us!" asserted Kimiko. She drove past Omi toward the large presidential candidate. "And we'll give you back everything, I swear!"

The man only folded his arms. "Okay. If you two _are_ with her, then ALL o' you oughta be put under arrest!"

"YEAH!" cried some of the surrounding witnesses. Now the multitudes of people were growing in rage. They began to surround Omi, Kimiko, Dojo, and Uarcay, focused on performing an act of justice by capturing them.

Kim kept her teammates back, frantically glancing around and trying to judge what was the best course of action. As the people closed in, she made her decision.

"WUDAI MARS, FIRE!" She flung a fireball onto the ground that spread a blazing firewall between the Xiaolin and the angry mob. The mob screamed and shouted; they could no longer see the young criminals in the fiery smoke as they eventually glided up and away on the dragon. What they left, at least, was a crackling, anarchistic flame.

Hannibal Roy stepped past the crowd to the burning circle on the ground, and then he narrowed his eyes at the sky. "Yeah, you keep flyin'!" The man tilted his head down, shading his face. "You dumb kids."

* * *

><p>It'd been two dragging hours since Jack Spicer had gone out on his errand for medical equipment. And as such, Raimundo and Clay were getting increasingly antsy.<p>

"What's taking him so long?" Raimundo obligated himself to know. He was toying around with some black robot eye, or headlight, tossing it in the air like a ball.

"Dunno, but we shouldn't be messin' with Jack's gadgets er else he'll throw another one o' those baby fits." Clay sat in his plastic chair, shuddering at the mere mention of it.

"Good point." Rai gave the robot part a final glazed look and threw the thing over his shoulder. It bashed into some expensive-sounding equipment.

The two suddenly heard another clattering noise and turned their view over to the host who had successfully returned.

"Okay gang, here we go." Jack trudged through the room, dropped his heli-pack on the worktable, and made with the fishing-out of the goods. Rai and Clay stepped toward him as he revealed, not a Shen Gong Wu, but a shiny monitor with various buttons and wires.

"Here's your very own, money-back guaranteed, automated external defibrillator apparatus. Catch any of that?" Rai and Clay cast blank stares. "Didn't think so. Look, the instructions are so straightforward even a couple uneducated know-nothings could figure it out." He tapped on the AED. "Electrodes. Rhythm check. Big button with the lightning bolt. Easy as cherry pie."

"...And izzat it?" Clay adjusted his hat, preparing to leave.

"Yeppers, _fully charged_ and all. And guess what else?" Jack whipped out from the pack a certain Wu which resembled a Horseshoe. "I was able to steal it from a heavily guarded medical center... with the same exact Horseshoe of Luck you lost to me!" He boastfully dangled the artifact in front of Rai. "Ironic, no?"

"Yeah, way to make a sport out of it."

"...What's with you and sports? Hmph. In any case, you're very welcome... so now you can get lost." Spicer finalized by slapping the Shen Gong Wu on the table.

"I reckon we WILL get lost Jack, given yer hog rotten attitude," Clay stated, propping the AED under his arm. "'Sides, we're obviously not 'educated' enough to deface _your_ presence no more."

"NICE TRY cowboy, but you couldn't be more right. At least _I_ have the appropriate cerebral capacity with which to preserve your squandered lives. Through SCIENCE!" Jack put his back to the Xiaolin monks and pointed at the ceiling. Clay silently motioned for Raimundo to come with.

"...Hmmm, come to think of it I'm kinda likin' this idea. 'Doctor Jack.' Ace bio-electrician. Specifically, _cardiological_ bio-electrician. Although the whole 'bio' take isn't so much my forte. You dig, compadres o' mine?"

The rambling boy turned one hundred eighty degrees, only to find he was alone now... and that his Horseshoe had vanished into the empty breeze. In place of the Wu he noticed a small note, which he promptly picked up and read.

"Just for the record, it's called the 'Fu Horseshoe.'" – Sincerely, Clay

Jack bared his unbrushed choppers and set his nostrils in a flare. "I KNOW it's called the 'Fu Horseshoe,'" he ranted, crushing the paper, "but it sounds so STUPID!" He threw the wad using all the strength in his arm; it didn't go very far.

* * *

><p>As the remaining monks slipped away behind the clouds with the help of Dojo, they spent some time to meditate on the errors they committed.<p>

The more Kim meditated, though, the more unhappy she became. "I just _cannot_ believe this. Uarcay, I TOLD you to stay where you were, and look what happened!"

"I'm sorry, Kimiko," confessed the shameful bemarun. "If there were some way I could take _back_ the power object..."

"_No_, the Lamp of Xingwei is now in the clutches of an evil who has many guards under his pinky!" barked an upset Omi. "It will be more difficult than EVER for us to retrieve it, thanks to_you_!"

Kim twisted around to the back. "Hey, you're not off the hook either Omi! Boy did you jump the gun; instead of nearly putting us in the clink you should've just listened to me for a change!"

"...Since when did YOU become Miss Bossy Boots?" the nosy Dojo wondered.

"Since Raimundo stopped doing his job... and Clay got off doing bupkis."

"Well what's the issue _there_? A Wudai Warrior's gotta do what a Wudai Warrior's gotta do, right?"

The Wudai Warrior of Fire groaned and lowered her eyes. "...You don't get it. Anyhow, due to Hannibal's running for President of the entire United States, we've got bigger problems."

"How big?" Uarcay almost hesitated to ask.

"Bigger than the American population," was Kimiko's cut-and-dried response. The four continued heading out in the direction of the Xiaolin Temple.

* * *

><p><strong>And there you have it.<strong>

**"Hannibal Roy" plans on erasing the influences of culture altogether, so that mankind can break free of cultural setbacks, unite, and progress. Sounds okay on the surface...**

**How does he know about the Lamp of Xingwei and where it was located? It all must be part of some bigger scheme. Hmm, he seeks the Baberu Brace as well.**

**Now, I really don't understand why my previous Xiaolin episode-fic became my most popular one by far. I mean, do people actually **_**like**_** to see their favorite characters go into cardiac arrest? Maybe I should put that on the agenda for next time.**


End file.
